Dec 31 2019 - Dec 31 2019

Ramblings: 2019-12-31

I have changed. I am not the happy energetic person I used to be. I am filled with anger and bitterness, at the world, the way we treat it, society, our culture, sports, cars, small things, big things.I can get so angry so easily, it is just the easy road and the more I do it the more easier road it is to take. Like a stream of water taking the same path over and over, it becomes the easy route through experience and anything different them becomes hard.

I have become so apathetic to life, I stopped reading, I am always on my phone because I simply don't want to think about anything, to avoid my own mind, my own thoughts. I can't live in the present, just stuck on the past, agonizing, nostalgic, where my thoughts roam when I let them, and the future always looks bleak, between where society is going and the environment, it all feels so pointless.

I stop myself from being happy, I can have moments of happiness but then I "correct" myself back to a more monotone mood or don't let my happiness or excitement peak too much. I think just so I can get what I want, I get what I want more when I am upset or angry so keep doing it. I feel I am punishing others by not being happy with them, by being miserable it's a "lesson" I am teaching them, that to know how upset I am I really have to over show it, turning little things to big things just to be understood. That everything must feel like the end of the world or gets ignored. Everything gets to me now, or I let it build up. Think sometimes I just do it to push others away because I just want to be alone, just spend all of my time alone away from others.

I don't want to keep going on for another 18 years, another 40 even. Working away for others instead of making decisions, getting to plan menus, to own something and make it mine. I will never have that. I used to have the house at least but nothing here makes me happy anymore. Try to decide to have plants or let nature grow but it never lasts, go to work and come back and it's all mowed down. No control. Want to be able to say this is this, and that is that. I want my own business to work hard in, for myself and not others. Anything I can take some kind of pride in.

I know I affect others with this, the storm cloud that makes others miserable, and I often wonder if they are better off with or without me. Everyone says the same shit, "well of course they are better with you, just be the best you that you can be". But I'm not, I'm the me that I am and that's it, so are they better with this miserable old man or without?

I feel I can't keep doing this year after year, when I bike I just get mad at the fact there are so many drivers, mad at the cold and that it exists, I just want heat. Mad at work when they open the windows, work in a kitchen to enjoy the heat. Want back at the Four Points but I am sure that will never happen. I should have just stayed sous there, but butterfly affect, if I did never would have had the twins or such, things would be different, as much as I hate things and losing everything and just the way life is I would be scared to ever change it and lose the few good things I do have. I don't let myself be happy. If I can't be happy though I should at least make the kids happy, they could have a better future than me, and would they be happier without me around being miserable all the time? I can try to be happy, but it doesn't last, I stop it without even knowing it, like sub-consciously just find reasons to hate and not enjoy life. To anger over everything. I try for a day then lose it. I want to eat well and exercise and be motivated, then I gorge the next day on sweets and snacks and pop. Constant battle with pop, I know I shouldn't drink it, makes me feel sick, and harder to sleep, not like it's not hard to sleep already. Then I go a few days without then, almost like out of protest I drink 6 cans in 1 day, like in anger almost just to show the world how little I care. Fuck this life and this body. One day I try and be healthy and better the next day I feel it all ends, stuck between two points. Being miserable and wanting to do something about it, and being miserable and just embracing it and diving into the anger and hate and just letting it fuel my decisions, to eat whatever I want, to die young, to go slow at work and just not care. Some days I want to try to do better and other days I don't. And so much regret, I want more time with the kids, but I don't, then I have to go to work and the whole time I am just wishing I am home with the kids. I am so tired all the time though, it's hard to play with them or do anything, just always want to nap or sleep or lay down, no energy, no motivation, always seems trouble breathing, headaches in the morning, just exhausted and drained. And for what? I have nothing to show anymore. My passion has gone out of my parents group, I am hardly there anymore, just want it what it once was, a team of passionate people working together to make a better group, meet-ups, events, but that's all gone now. It just is what it is and keeps going. Just want to sleep forever. Other times I think I could just be happy if I would eat right and exercise and start sleeping well, but then I decide to just live in the moment and take joy in sugar and pop and desserts, to being lazy and indulgence. I am lazy and useless, old and my potential gone. Will never be a writer, or wealthy enough to be happy, to own a business so why carry on sometimes. But the kids could be happy maybe, maybe they can be better and happy adults. So I try to get through, and sometimes that is hope for the future and eating well, and sometimes that is embracing the moment and over- eating cake. And filling my life with regret over every thing I do, every decision I make.

Sometimes I try to save money, other times I try to make myself happy by spending it, by reclaiming the past I try to live in. To bring back what was lost. But happiness is always fleeting anyway and then the money is gone. Sometimes something big, usually just small things, fast food to make me happy. And I feel Diana is angry and yells because of what I have become, that she would be happier if I was happier, if I was useful again like when I was young. I don't know what to do, what I want. Everything and nothing, to embrace my dark side or fight it, to live in the moment or try to improve long term. So many things are gone and so much seems out of reach now the long term seems like less and less an appealing option. I don't keep up on things I used to anymore like organizing my desktop or music, just don't care as much about things I used to have passion about. And if the long term is out of reach why try for anything long term, why try to improve things, it will only ever be a pipe dream, goals for goals sake but never reachable. Nothing I want satisfies, nothing can anymore.

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