Apr 07 2019 - Apr 07 2019

Musings: 2019-04-07

Death. So many say it's like before you were born, but isn't understanding how much I value existence. When I'm done I'm done. If I leave something behind it has no meaning to me, how would I know. Nothing matters at all if existence just ceases one day. I, me, what I am will be gone, forever, no way to undo. And I won't be around to even know it. I fear for myself, for what I will stop being. I like asking questions and finding answers and reading and thinking, I love thinking. One day no more thoughts, no more anything. And it's horrible and terrifying and all can do is try not to spend all time thinking about it and consuming you, but when you do it grips you and fills you with the deepest fear, because when you cease to be the universe might as well never existed. Never get more answers, more questions, and won't even be able to think about that. I am more than the sum of my parts, me whole, together is something special that will not be again. My atoms and energy may go on but once unbound it'll never be me again.

I think this is why we have religion, to keep us from going insane. Maybe this is why there is no life elsewhere, when they get smart enough and realize there is no afterlife they all kill themselves in despair and dread, or just stop trying and fade away. We may not need religion but we need to think there is something past what this is. We spend so much time fantasizing about it, dreaming and thinking about it, it keeps us going. But really we are just running from the answer that there is nothing, nothing awaits us.

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