Absurdity

I still feel haunted by the four points and my actions. I wish I was still at the hotel and didn't screw everything up. I wish I never left, that I didn't let my phone/internet Facebook/Group Admin addiction overcome me and make me a shit worker who didn't focus or care anymore. I let chef down, let my family down, my kids, myself. That was my one great chance, I had earned salary, finally 3 weeks vacation instead of 2, I knew that place, it was safe there. I could do specials, I could do so much with plating and freedom, it was a perfect job that I ruined and will never get back. I think I am addicted to admining Facebook groups because it's the only time I get to lead or be in charge, I love leading and helping, I want to be a manager somewhere, make decisions, matter. And every day I still think about what if I didn't leave, the butterfly effect would suck, wouldn't have the girls most likely, but also wouldn't have had the fire. Maybe Calvin would have lived longer, if I just could have gotten my addiction under control. I am haunted by this industry, and every day I work I just think about it even more, in the past. Put on the fake face and do the job, but inside I just keep thinking about how it was like at the hotel, staff meals, the people, knew everyone so well. I was at my happiest there before the addiction took over. I pushed myself to become better, to learn and improve. And now I just feel so trapped and haunted by it all. I go from 1 low paying job to the next, always worrying about money, not being home with the kids, just another piece in a machine that doesn't matter. Working 2 jobs to get by, when I feel so terrible inside.