Who Was I?: 2018-09-05
Diana keeps saying she wants me to be more like who I was. Well who was I? I was the sum of my memories put together, my experiences. Every day I'd put on a shirt that would remind me a bit of who I am, some memory, every shirt had meaning, some story to tell. Everything I owned helped build me up, all the objects I have saved since childhood all built up to tell a little bit about me, a bit about my story. I miss me, I miss smiling and joking, dancing and singing, but I don't know where to find me.
My throat has felt funny for a bit (unrelated to the fire I'm sure), just harder to talk, the high notes feel weird, so I don't talk as much, I don't smile as much. Why being admin in Parents and leading the team is so important to me, I helped make that special and in return it made me a good person. We evolved together. Sometimes I want to go back to my trolling not giving a fuck making any joke I want ways, and others I just want to be part of something again, making it better, more inclusive, welcoming others, helping others.
Now when I get up it feels like I'm going through motions, just some routine, everything feels so alien, I don't think about what I wear, I don't look at it, it all has no meaning to me. And that's something I don't think I can get back, that was 30 years of history gone, 30 years of me gone, it's like I'm an infant again with no history, nothing behind me. I miss the jurassic park posters I had since I was a kid, just literally everything, this all encompassing loss that's engulfing me. My shirt from Japan, the pizza shooter I got as a deal at Comic-con. To be able to hold these objects and remember their story, remember me, helped ground me. I needed all my knick knacks, my sleeping bag, every weird thing I kept, because it was weird and unique and reminded me of a childhood I wanted my kids to have, but with a father. That was me trying to bring that to them but better. I kept envisioning something from a TV show (as I assume all life is like some kind of sitcom, I try to copy the sitcoms I grew up with on how to be a dad, I need to be clumsy, make jokes, goof around, like Tim Allen or Homer) they open a bin and we go through it together over months telling different stories. All my stuffed animals I'd tell them how I would play as a kid, all the wars they had, their names, re-enact it, and I can't do that from memory or pictures, I needed the objects. And that has been taken from me and gone forever. It's not something that can be re-claimed, and I don't know if I can recover from this. I will always feel empty, lacking, useless, my meaning is gone, my purpose is gone.
Ryan - 2018-09-18 08:35:32:
There's a lot of guilt with still feeling upset, it's been a year, our pets and children were safe, just our contents. And I know it is so materialistic, but I think me having nothing of my dad, I wanted to have my son have stuff from my childhood, have one of those TV moments. I want to be something to him, not just a dad, but a person with a history, I was once a child and I wanted him to know that. Now it feels like life starts at 30.