Absurdity

So Ryder got his first Scholastic book order today. What should have been one of the happiest moments for me and him was incredibly hard. Seeing the books that he used to have, knowing I literally have to start over from nothing, all the books I have spent so long collecting, all gone. Trying to buy new books is just such a harsh reminder of all of that, so there was a lot of sorrow as well. Like when Diana took me last week to buy new clothes, was just beyond me to really choose anything. Just trying to take it one thing at a time, hard to plan or think ahead.

Been so overwhelmed from all of the support and generosity from literally everywhere, I still haven't really been able to bring myself to go through any of the donations besides what we need at the moment.

More and more the sheer scale of the loss just impacts me, it feels like more than I can handle. For so long I've wanted children, been saving things up to give to my kids, and hopefully for them to give to their kids when they are older. Stuffed animals, toys, books. Everything I bought has a story to it, everything was something I wanted to go through with my kids when they could really understand, and Ryder was just getting to that point where he would get it.

Wanted him to go through the basement and find random things and ask me questions. All the things I never got to do. Or if I was gone at least he'd have these to go through, mementos. Think I bottled all my father issues into this in a way. This was how I was going to be a better father, in some way leave something behind, something that lasts.

Now my whole life is gone. 30 years of history wiped away. Everything I was just gone. I don't have the best memory, but seeing these items would bring a story out, how I got it, what it means to me, something to explain to them. I always wanted to say "Oh you know that was mine as a child. That was your dad's." now I never will. Literally nothing from my childhood. Pictures of things but nothing physical to really show them. I feel like I am dying on the inside. All I ever wanted in my life was to share that with my kids. And he was getting old enough finally to understand. Was actually trying to go through my bins with Ryder. Show him some things.

Wanted Ryder to explore that library with me when he started to read, learn to love reading like I did. I wanted him to have it all to explore. Go through the basement and find books, and read them and ask me about them and talk about it, something to share, books we would have both read. All the random books I've picked up through the years, all the random movies, everything. Just so absolute. I am gone now, my past is gone, a clean slate that I don't want.

I was so proud of all the deals I got through the years. I don't want to replace it with brand new stuff, it won't have the history, the memories, the tale of how I procured it. Like the shirt I got from Japan. All my shirts had a story to them, from contests or events or beer cases, they had some meaning to them. My favourite red shorts. The jean shorts Diana just made me out of my old 15 year old jeans. I never threw anything away. Always save for a rainy day. The 16-foot Doctor Who Scarf she knitted me, the firefly toque. More things than I could even list. The yellow baby blanket from when I was a kid. The white one Jason and I would fight over with the fluffy edges. The sleeping bag I spent most of my life sleeping in. The pillows that were the perfect firmness, every store I go to they are too fluffy. The couch which I could actually sleep on. Sleep is always such a tricky thing. The bar fridge I just bought at a garage sale, had the kids get out of the buggy and walk it over home, but then Logan wanted it so had to balance the bar fridge over him. What a great walk that was, Ryder was so excited. All the fish tanks, they all meant so much to me. The incredible deals I got on them, how beautiful they were. It doesn't feel like a piece of me is gone, but simply the whole. The bear "Fuzzy Wuzzy" I had as a kid who I shaved with scissors for the Teddy Bear Picnic, "He wasn't very fuzzy anymore." The clown stuffie with a rat that would hide in the hat. That one always reminded me of home in the basement where I'd play with him. All the lego sets I was saving for Ryder's birthday that I got off auction groups.

I loved the house how it was. The china cabinet for the cats to sleep on. The pictures I got from Keycon, the picture frame of all our cats, Besteur and Monzy now long gone from our care. My little corner in the living room. With the chair the kids loved to use as a trampoline. The couches. The basement with my desk and monitors and parts, the perfect keyboard tray finally installed, my comfy chair. Where all the fish tanks were and working together. The pool table Doug helped me take home and fix one day. The air hockey table from when I was a kid. They say I will make good money from this, that they give good value for everything that needs to be replaced, but I just don't care about money. I care about the memories and history, the nostalgia, the Bucky O' Hare toys I found once, the DBZ toys, everything on my desk. The glass tray. Everything from my childhood I wanted to show my kids. My bins of stuff. The square hackey sack I got at Keycon. The license plate I found on the side of the road with 420 on it so I took it home. All my posters and wall scrolls, I wanted to show them to Ryder one day, have him take the ones he likes. Such a big part of me is gone. And I don't even know if my hard drives or anything about my computer is okay.

The bench I got for free I was going to re-stain, which was a perfect cubby for toys. So many toys, the TMNT pizza shooter I fixed. Ryder's Halloween bear (a daycare favourite). The green and orange tonka garbage truck, another huge daycare favourite.