Absurdity

Have almost finished the living room now, just need to finish some details, touching up some paint, caulking etc. I'm sort of happy with it, there are a few things I wish we did differently, took off the vinyl tiles and the sub-floor beneath it, put the new plywood in a brick like pattern, not happy with how the lines all line up, wished it was more interlaced. I wish we got new baseboards, those nice rounded off corner ones, would of made the room appear bigger, and it would of gone with the wooden theme, as these baseboards are painted white, I would of stained them. Besides those details though I'm happy it's almost done, though still stressing out a lot with it. I think I'll be happy when everything is finally done, just had too much going on. When it's done I'll start on the edge by the stairs, and then the stairs themselves.

The basement flooded again, spring time. Diana did some patch work, though she should of done a lot more, she only got one area, and it's still coming in from that area. Now it's coming in from all fours sides again, and there's nothing we can do until spring is done and it's dry in there again. There is a lot of patching that needs to be done underneath the stairs, and everywhere. I wish we could afford a new basement, or at least a professional to repair it. But with the new flooring, and the trip she wants to take, and all that money she spent on those wedding pictures we have spent everything we managed to save since the wedding. Hopefully next year she doesn't want to go on a trip and we can actually start to save some money up to get a new basement. Without the hard drive and the trip that would be about 5 grand that could of gone towards the basement. I'm not big on vacations, we took one last year for our honeymoon, and now this year we're going on a road trip. We really need to stop all this travelling so we can finally get the house fixed up, adding too much stress to my life. I don't mind taking a few weeks off work, though I wouldn't really want to, I don't like vacations. But if I'm already losing money by not working I wish we wouldn't be spending a few thousand on the trip and just relaxed at home, I don't need to leave the home to have fun, and I'll miss the cats too much. It would be nice to just have a few weeks at home where I could just relax, Japan was fun, just not too relaxing as we were always doing stuff, now this road trip will be busy too, going all over the place, my idea of a vacation is just a couple of weeks off work where I can sit at home, play some games, and just do nothing. Maybe start a project, but at a nice leisurely pace. Last year was the honeymoon, this year is grad, so she gets what she wants both years, but I hope for the next few years we just either keep working, or stay in the city, we need to save money up.

I wish we had children already, I want to be a dad already, but she keeps saying it isn't the time yet. I feel as if I'm nothing right now, 24 and I still haven't done anything.I never wanted to be this old before having my first kids, I sometimes wish I lived hundreds of years ago when it was culturally acceptable to have kids when you were 14/15, it feels too late now. A good part of my life is over now, and then I'll be gone and be nothing, I hate wasting what little I have. I know nothing really matters, I can't really leave a legacy, when I die I'm gone, my memories are gone, my self is gone. My kids will remember me, but those memories will die with them, and anything I built, even this site, will only last so long, and then every last trace of me will be gone. Of course I won't really exist to care about this anyway past my death, but it could set my mind at ease a little if I knew my legacy would last a little longer. To waste what little life I have I just feel is so horrible, I could of started having kids almost ten years ago, I could of had meaning for 10 years, but I've continued to be nothing, the the amount of time I have meaning gets smaller and smaller. She keeps saying we're not ready for kids yet, so it will probably be a few years still, and then I probably won't live too long the way I treat myself, so I might only have 20-30 years of meaning, and then I'm back to nothing.

Work has been really slow this month, which is good as I could really use a break. Things are continuing to go well, though I have been considering quitting lately. I'm just not sure how much longer I can go on dealing with Jeff, he adds a lot of stress to my life, which isn't good for me. Usually I'm pretty stress and carefree but lately it's been getting worse and worse. It was a bit better the last couple of weeks, last week Jeff had Tuesday and Wednesday off so I was in a much better mood, though Diana has been sick so things kind of evened out I guess. Since it's been so slow it's been less stressful this week, so he got to me less, though it comes and go. I love working there, but if I keep working with him I might quit soon. I've updated my resume, I'd hate to leave, and I'm trying very hard to stick around, but if something doesn't change soon, either I get less stressed out, or Jeff leaves/changes completely, I will have to leave.

I suppose it's been pretty tough for Diana too, the more stressed out I get the more moody I get. I'm trying to make my life more stress free, not a lot I can do about Jeff, or the basement it seems. The only thing I can really control is the house, so I want everything done that can be done, before we start any more floors, just get things back to normal as much as we can.

My Gigi project doesn't seem to be getting done, not sure when or if I will do it now, too much to do at home, and it's pretty complicated.

I'm hoping to get my driver's license this year, to help with the road trip. I know it's more money, and I hate adding yearly fees, but I guess it will be handy to have, and I can't convince Diana to get rid of the car, so we have to pay insurance/gas/parts anyway, I might as well be able to drive it.