Absurdity

I feel I've been a bit of a wreck ever since losing my job. I loved my job, I loved cooking, I loved eating. Perhaps I pushed myself too hard, trying to do everything, to keep rising. I miss just making random food, eating what I want, making people happy, prep, I miss prep so much. Cleaning the coolers, breaking down boxes. I try not to talk about it much, but I always said to myself I would be brutally honest to myself on here, this blog is here for me, to remind me of the times I have gone through, to be as honest an image of my life as possible. Sometimes I omit things, or change some details, but it's very rare, because I want this to be as raw as possible, which is why many things aren't edited well and kind of ramble on. It's just me.

I miss the satisfaction I would get after doing an amazing job on dry storage, the difference, the cleanliness, how proper everything was, the pride I would get from that. I miss the pride I took in my plates, my food, knowing how much I was making the guests satisfied. I miss having a big prep list and knocking it down to nothing. I miss riding my bike to work, and rocking out to music at work and while biking. I feel so sluggish now and lacking energy. I eat terribly, I have no motivation.

I know it's my fault, I had an internet and Facebook addiction that was affecting my work, and I think that was leading to anger issues when I had to be away. I got caught up in my phone. I wish I never switched from my flip phone to a smart phone, that was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

And I know I can NEVER get this back, the way it was. I loved it there so much, and I lost it all. No other job I've had could compare. The way all the staff were so friendly and treated each other. How much Ryder loved it there and visiting me working. Perkins, Royal Fork, they were fun for what they were, but Four Points felt like home. I knew all the ins and outs, I immersed myself in knowing everything and trying to do it all. Be a good backbone, always have everyone's back, and they would have mine when needed.

I think about it daily, it's so hard not to. I have constant nightmares or dreams about work, I still think of it as work, or former co-workers. Knowing I fucked up and I will never have it back in any way. Sure I could get another cooking job, maybe another hotel, but it'll never be like that, I can never get that back.

I make excuses to myself and others, saying I wanted to leave, I wanted out. I was tired of the long hours, or little pay (even though it was pretty good for a cook), more time with Ryder, less commute (though I love biking). But the truth is I desperately miss it, I miss the stability. With the daycare always wondering if a parent will leave, how long until I find a new one, can we afford this or that, money is so tight it is not how I like to live. If I lose a child can we afford to go a month while I fill the spot. Am I doing enough? I don't have enough formal training. I doubt myself so much now in everything. I don't trust myself to do simple tasks around the house. I used to be full of confidence and it's all been crushed and I feel it will never be back.

I had finally hit the 5 year mark, I was good and loyal. Finally 3 weeks of vacation a year. Now I feel too guilty to take vacation with my daycare. Might take a week when we can. And can't really afford it anyway. Having the pool in the summer is in doubt, money is so tight. Used to love buying random things off auctions, but that's a thing of the past. I miss tips, I miss have spending money to buy food on days off, or random things I just want to do. I don't drink a lot anymore because I want to be healthy, though that is a part of it, and the hangovers are so bad, but mostly to save money. I miss having cash so much.

And there is nothing I can do to get that life back, and there is nothing I can do to get over it. I'm going to try to write more and be online less, try to be as honest as possible, but I'm not sure I'm even being honest with myself a lot. It leads to a lot of anger I feel, and I need that to stop.