Absurdity

Cause and effect is not real, it is a lie. That is not to say there is no cause and effect, you do something and your action will have consequences, that is the way this universe works. However it gives us the illusion of choice, that what we do matters, that we can have an effect on the universe. In reality that is not possible, we have no effect on the universe, and never will. There is no afterlife, no supernatural world that exists outside of this one. In this universe there is only and cause and one effect that matters. First cause, in which the universe came into existence, and last effect, where that last bit of universe is extinguished. Everything in-between, like us, is unimportant, because no matter matter what we will never affect that last effect, the end of existence. We can't even really effect our own existence, in a blink of an eye we're dead, all our thoughts, feelings, emotions gone with us. We will have ceased to be, as far as we are concerned, we can not be concerned. We can no longer have any thoughts, we won't think, therefore we aren't. The universe might as well die with us as far as we are concerned, we won't be able to tell the difference. So everything we do is for naught, for once we die we won't know the difference, we won't know at all. Everything we did manage to do before we die will eventually become meaningless, probably in a few hundred years, but for the immortals of human history they can last a little longer, but they will be forgotten with us; no matter how long we live that final effect will get us, everything must end.

I know I won't kill myself because I love the pursuit on knowledge, and I always want to find out what happens next. Of when I die all my pursuits will have no meaning, all the knowledge I've gathered in my head will be lost, my entire life will become pointless. But until then I can try to find meaning in what I do, even though I know deep down that is impossible, there is no meaning to any of this. I try to hide these thoughts from myself so I can stay happy, but they keep popping up, there is no escaping them. I can distract myself and find meaning and be happy, but the second I start thinking again I realize this is all one big lie and I'm just fooling myself into being happy. This is one of the reasons I've stopped writing so much, I try not to think anymore, if I shut off my brain I can be happy. I don't really care when I die, as when I'm dead it won't matter, so it doesn't matter what I do to escape this terrible reality. I am jealous of the religious people, who are able to be brain washed, or who truly believe in another world, at least they can think and be happy at the same time. I enjoy life, I enjoy existence, but when I'm dead I won't even be able to think back on existence, I will just not be. This has consumed me a lot lately, and maybe by writing it down I can let go of it, at least for a while.